I don't know why... I knew it was coming... But when she told me she had found some place... It felt like she had stabbed me. I gave everything I had to this relationship... Including all of my money... And she is walking away debt free. Almost. I on the other hand will still have bills long after we are split. It makes me mad that she has never stood on her own two feet. And I am just now beginning to see how that was true for her entire life. She has leeched off everyone and everything she could. And when I had no more to give. She walked away. Good goddess I was blind. I really thought she loved me. I really thought we would fight the devil himself to save the other... But her very words come back to haunt me... She told me years ago that if she had all the money she needed... She was not sure she would choose to stay in a relationship. I should have listened. I wish I could just turn off my feelings... I wish I could hate her... It would make this all so much easier. But I will stand on my own two feet. And in the end, I will triumph.
For a very short time, I thought I could be the bigger person. Remain friends. Now I just want her out of my life. But for as long as the kids are here, I will not be able to totally walk away.
So much of me wants us both to make it, but there is a part of me that is hoping she ends up right back where she is now. In debt and unable to see the horizon.
I need to find better ways to express my anger and frustration. I feel completely used. I feel like the past 15 years was a complete fraud. And more than anything... I want to walk away unjaded... But that is getting harder to do.
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