Stabbed in the chest... Again...

I don't know why... I knew it was coming... But when she told me she had found some place... It felt like she had stabbed me. I gave everything I had to this relationship... Including all of my money... And she is walking away debt free. Almost. I on the other hand will still have bills long after we are split. It makes me mad that she has never stood on her own two feet. And I am just now beginning to see how that was true for her entire life. She has leeched off everyone and everything she could. And when I had no more to give. She walked away. Good goddess I was blind. I really thought she loved me. I really thought we would fight the devil himself to save the other... But her very words come back to haunt me... She told me years ago that if she had all the money she needed... She was not sure she would choose to stay in a relationship. I should have listened. I wish I could just turn off my feelings... I wish I could hate her... It would make this all so much easier. But I will stand on my own two feet. And in the end, I will triumph.
For a very short time, I thought I could be the bigger person. Remain friends. Now I just want her out of my life. But for as long as the kids are here, I will not be able to totally walk away.
So much of me wants us both to make it, but there is a part of me that is hoping she ends up right back where she is now. In debt and unable to see the horizon.
I need to find better ways to express my anger and frustration. I feel completely used. I feel like the past 15 years was a complete fraud. And more than anything... I want to walk away unjaded... But that is getting harder to do.

Struggling...

I truly wish I could tell you where it all went wrong... But I just know the moment went my life was going to change and knowing in that instant that I could do nothing to change the course of what was coming. I know that I did what I could, knowing that I gave it my all. But I am left feeling that I was always alone, that I had held us together for years. I am left feeling used. I am left with the reality of never truly having a partner, but rather having been involved with someone who never really knew me. And never really tried. Who never truly gave me what I gave to her. Which was all of me. I almost gave her my life. Struggling to support a family that she was unwilling to support. Working until I was so sick and tired and yes. Nearly dead. And for all of that. She has left me. And again has walked out on her responsibility of supporting her family. I will support and raise my family. I will do what I have to do to make their lives easier. And I will live well and be able to give them more of what they deserve. Which is a stable home life with a loving involved parent. This life that lies ahead of us will be more than I could have dreamed. And I will walk this path with my head held high.
I will find love again. I will not compromise or settle. I will show them that happily ever after can happen. If you bother to try. I will show them how to lead a purposeful life. One filled with service and the joy of accomplishment.
Onward and upward. I have hit bottom... There is no where to go but up. Living well, truly is the best revenge.

Trying to calm my mind....

it has been a long time since i have even thought of this blog, but lately it is calling me again. whispering for me to engage my thoughts, empty my mind, divulge my inner craziness so that grace and calm may exist in a peaceful place. so my intention is not to name nor point a finger towards the people that accompany my story, but to show you how my mind is able to heal itself though expressing itself. it is possible that there are more blogs than what appear on this page, and like a diary that is hidden under a mattress, i have kept them private so as not to hurt feelings or point fingers, where i know that the lesson, despite the people that are involved, was mine to learn, and the people or circumstances were, most often, just innocent bystanders.

i have encountered a spiritual path that seems so much more like a home-coming, than a new find. i believe, at his moment that i am exactly where i am supposed to be and that i found this new path and have been blessed with the people of it by simply asking for the tools that i need to live my life as i believe it was always meant to be. Peace.

the struggles of late have given me daily reasons to stop, reflect and hopefully to resolve the feelings and problems that surround each of these issues. my struggles most recently involve that most basic of needs (as least as we see it), money. money always conjures up visions of either paradise or stress. and for me this is also true. although i have had ample training in a number of areas in my life, my financial training is quite lacking. so i have been cautious about asking for lessons in this area, but in asking for financial security, the money lessons continue to come. and i have decided to deal with them, acknowledge them, breathe through them and then allow them to play themselves out, while i patiently adhere to their rules. i am not taking the stance of fighting the actualality of the issue, but instead have expressed my desire to walk through the fire and to be able to come out on the other side without a scratch. just wiser.

? of what has been going on in my life. And maybe you will find a little wisdom. Let's start with the fact that I lost my job a few weeks ago. Although I

? was not expecting it that day, I was expecting to leave. It was time to go. I had accomplished all that I had planned to accomplish and on an energetic p

? e true to themselves. I show them that they should live their lives the way they see fit, accept responsibility for their actions and not to hide their

? authentic self.
More to write later...